One of the hardest things about parenting is dealing with sibling issues. This is often referred to as “sibling rivalry” but it mainly feels like “siblings doing all they can to prod and provoke one another”. My three boys were especially adept at it: a slight shove while walking to the refrigerator; an insult dropped when leaving the room; or an all out tackle during driveway basketball. And constant wrestling. As one of three girls, I just didn’t get it and it drove me crazy.
Whether you are dealing with minor squabbles or major battles, there are some things you can do to ease the teasing and save your sanity. Consider what behaviors tend to get your attention. If it is one of those rare times your kids are playing together calmly, do you slink over to your laptop to check your email? What would happen if a fight broke out? Would you rush into the room to deal with the situation? If this describes you, think about shifting your attention so that playing nicely brings you into the room. Notice the behavior you want to encourage and describe what you see, for example: “You two are working hard making that train track.” Your attention helps to reinforce behaviors, so be sure you are bringing your attention to the behaviors you want to encourage.
Once a “fight” breaks out, use your energy to acknowledge the “victim’s” experience rather than to reprimand the instigator. For instance: “You hate it when he grabs things out of your hand. That is so frustrating for you!” You can also help the “victim” manage the situation by saying something like “Tell him you don’t like playing with him when he grabs things.” This reduces the attention the instigator receives for his negative behavior, yet it still sends him the appropriate message. It also starts to teach the victim to empower herself.
Ideally, we want to honor our kids’ ability to work out their struggles. If we spend our time acting as judge or referee, we usurp the opportunity for our kids to learn to manage themselves. Look for opportunities to step back and simply address a situation without controlling it. You can do this by acknowledging your child’s feeling, yet still give him space to process the situation. For example: “It makes you really mad when your little sister ruins your Lego tower.” If you feel it is necessary to step in, try doing so in a way that encourages your kids to engage in the solution; “Let’s take a break from the Legos for now while you two decide how to play with them without fighting.”
It can be helpful to think about what your kids learn from one another when they are struggling with sibling issues. There were times when I was at my wits end with the banter and battles of my three boys. The wise words of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, helped ease my frustration: “They learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise…they become more resilient. And sometimes, from their envy of each other’s special abilities, they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve.”
Whether you are dealing with minor squabbles or major battles, there are some things you can do to ease the teasing and save your sanity. Consider what behaviors tend to get your attention. If it is one of those rare times your kids are playing together calmly, do you slink over to your laptop to check your email? What would happen if a fight broke out? Would you rush into the room to deal with the situation? If this describes you, think about shifting your attention so that playing nicely brings you into the room. Notice the behavior you want to encourage and describe what you see, for example: “You two are working hard making that train track.” Your attention helps to reinforce behaviors, so be sure you are bringing your attention to the behaviors you want to encourage.
Once a “fight” breaks out, use your energy to acknowledge the “victim’s” experience rather than to reprimand the instigator. For instance: “You hate it when he grabs things out of your hand. That is so frustrating for you!” You can also help the “victim” manage the situation by saying something like “Tell him you don’t like playing with him when he grabs things.” This reduces the attention the instigator receives for his negative behavior, yet it still sends him the appropriate message. It also starts to teach the victim to empower herself.
Ideally, we want to honor our kids’ ability to work out their struggles. If we spend our time acting as judge or referee, we usurp the opportunity for our kids to learn to manage themselves. Look for opportunities to step back and simply address a situation without controlling it. You can do this by acknowledging your child’s feeling, yet still give him space to process the situation. For example: “It makes you really mad when your little sister ruins your Lego tower.” If you feel it is necessary to step in, try doing so in a way that encourages your kids to engage in the solution; “Let’s take a break from the Legos for now while you two decide how to play with them without fighting.”
It can be helpful to think about what your kids learn from one another when they are struggling with sibling issues. There were times when I was at my wits end with the banter and battles of my three boys. The wise words of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, helped ease my frustration: “They learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise…they become more resilient. And sometimes, from their envy of each other’s special abilities, they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve.”