Mother’s Day traditionally brings appreciation and gratitude for a job well-done, but how often do you feel as though you are not doing enough? Your meeting went long and you missed your daughter’s soccer game. You lost your temper (again) and yelled at the kids when they missed the bus (again). Or perhaps you feel you are lacking in some way as a parent? You can’t seem to get that mound of school papers sorted and off the kitchen counter. Getting the kids to bed on time seems impossible. And don’t even get me started on successfully monitoring screen time. We often feel like failures. But what would it mean to be a “good enough” parent?
Why good enough is good for kids
Though many of us may strive to be awesome, great or simply good parents, there are benefits to being “good enough”. Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, coined this phrase in 1953. After observing thousands of mothers with their babies, he realized that children actually benefit when their mothers do not meet their every need “perfectly”. He observed that mothers tend to care for their newborn babies quickly and consistently-responding to their newborn’s needs by feeding, changing or soothing them. But as newborns grow into toddlers and beyond, Winnicott noticed that mothers begin to expect greater tolerance and independence from their children. For example, a toddler waits for his meal as mother feeds a newborn sibling, or a child waits for his trip to the park as mother deals with other responsibilities. Though these “imperfect” interactions may result in children feeling disappointed or frustrated, as children grow and have more and more “imperfect” experiences with their mother, they become more adaptable and resilient. In Winnicott’s words, there is a “growing ability to deal with her failure.” Children realize that the world does not revolve around them, and this helps them learn patience and independence.
Accept yourself today
How can we embrace the idea that our parenting failures can actually benefit our children? We are often our own worst critics-we beat ourselves up for something we have done, or not done, and then we follow up with an added dose of shame or guilt. On the other hand, we rarely notice a job well-done. When is the last time you said to yourself, “Wow—I really nailed that interaction! I am so pleased with myself and my parenting!”
Practice quieting your inner critic and developing your inner advocate instead. You can start by trying to bring greater awareness to your self-criticism. Once you are aware of the way you’re being self-critical, you can try to begin to accept the situation. Try saying to yourself, “I think I handled that tantrum pretty well,” or, “I created a good enough birthday party.” Or simply try to notice the interaction without judging it. “Yep…it is what it is!”
Be open to a better tomorrow
Accepting a “good enough” mindset doesn’t mean that we give up working to be better. We can honor and accept where we are today, yet strive for a better tomorrow. For some, setting a clear intention helps move toward feeling better or doing better. Share your intention with a friend or family member. Post it on your bathroom mirror. Consider what would help you become clear and committed to your intention.
Others find it helpful to create a personal parenting mantra. This is a positive phrase that empowers and affirms you in the moment, yet reminds you of what you desire. Repeating your mantra can help you stay calm and accepting, while keeping you on course for positive transformation. Some ideas for mantras are:
“I am patient.”
“Let go and enjoy.”
“I am doing my best."
Adopting a “good enough” mindset can bring powerful positive change to your parenting. What does your “good enough” look like? How does your “good enough” feel? How will you fold “good enough” into your daily interactions so that positive self-talk and acceptance become your norm? My hope is that you’ll practice embracing this notion and cherishing yourself on this Mother’s Day week…and every week after.
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