“My kids just don’t listen to me!” This is one of the most common complaints I hear as a parent coach. I feel your pain. It feels frustrating and defeating when it seems our kids are not listening to us. Whether you have a four-year-old engrossed in imaginary play, a ten-year-old watching YouTube, or a fourteen-year-old with ear buds in, it is maddening when kids don’t listen! So here is the question--how well are you listening to them?
One of the most impactful tools to help improve interactions is to listen to your children. What I mean by this is listen for the feelings behind your child’s words or behaviors. Other terms used to describe this practice are empathetic listening, validating feelings, active listening or reflective listening.
We often believe we listen to our children, but in reality, we respond in ways that inadvertently hamper communication and deny feelings. We may try to talk a child out of feeling sad or frustrated. We distract our child so they will not be upset. Perhaps we move to teaching, lecturing or trying to “fix” their problem. None of these responses acknowledge the child’s feelings. Oppositional behavior can be exacerbated when kids do not feel heard or understood.
Let’s consider the example of eight-year-old Ellie. Her mother asks her to get her coat because the family is preparing to visit her grandmother. Ellie states, “I don’t want to go to grandma’s!” A natural reaction to Ellie might be to reassure her and redirect the conversation. “You love visiting your grandmother. We will get to see her cat!” Or perhaps we start to lecture, “That is not a nice thing to say. Your grandmother deserves your respect.” Sometimes we simply get angry (and controlling), “Get your coat on now!” These responses do not acknowledge Ellie’s feelings and may lead to greater disconnection or power struggles.
When we validate our child’s feeling and give her some space to experience it, we are giving her an opportunity to accept, understand and process her emotions. In Ellie’s case, we can repeat what she says so that she feels we get it. “You don’t want to visit grandma today.” We can name the emotion we suspect she is experiencing, “You are frustrated to have to stop playing and can’t finish your game.” Or we can accept the feeling with silence or a simple response, “Hmmm….” Silence can be a powerful response, and isn’t it interesting that SILENT and LISTEN have the exact same letters?
Another helpful listening response is imagining what our kids would prefer. For Ellie we might say, “You wish we could visit grandma another day.” When we respond first with listening, we acknowledge and accept our children’s experience. We can listen to and acknowledge feelings without agreeing, arguing, punishing or problem solving. And we can accept feelings without changing our expectation. When kids feel heard and understood, they are typically more willing to hear and accept our reassurances or redirection.
When we start with listening we honor our child’s right to have feelings. We may not always understand or appreciate those feelings, yet when we respectfully accept them, we validate our children’s feelings and experience. We provide some space for our children to process them. This helps build our children’s capacity to manage their feelings. It also strengthens our connection and improves our relationships.
I encourage you to look for opportunities to listen, really listen, to your children. This takes practice and entails awareness and intention. Yet it allows you to model a compelling way to interact with others. And you may find that your kids start listening to you.
One of the most impactful tools to help improve interactions is to listen to your children. What I mean by this is listen for the feelings behind your child’s words or behaviors. Other terms used to describe this practice are empathetic listening, validating feelings, active listening or reflective listening.
We often believe we listen to our children, but in reality, we respond in ways that inadvertently hamper communication and deny feelings. We may try to talk a child out of feeling sad or frustrated. We distract our child so they will not be upset. Perhaps we move to teaching, lecturing or trying to “fix” their problem. None of these responses acknowledge the child’s feelings. Oppositional behavior can be exacerbated when kids do not feel heard or understood.
Let’s consider the example of eight-year-old Ellie. Her mother asks her to get her coat because the family is preparing to visit her grandmother. Ellie states, “I don’t want to go to grandma’s!” A natural reaction to Ellie might be to reassure her and redirect the conversation. “You love visiting your grandmother. We will get to see her cat!” Or perhaps we start to lecture, “That is not a nice thing to say. Your grandmother deserves your respect.” Sometimes we simply get angry (and controlling), “Get your coat on now!” These responses do not acknowledge Ellie’s feelings and may lead to greater disconnection or power struggles.
When we validate our child’s feeling and give her some space to experience it, we are giving her an opportunity to accept, understand and process her emotions. In Ellie’s case, we can repeat what she says so that she feels we get it. “You don’t want to visit grandma today.” We can name the emotion we suspect she is experiencing, “You are frustrated to have to stop playing and can’t finish your game.” Or we can accept the feeling with silence or a simple response, “Hmmm….” Silence can be a powerful response, and isn’t it interesting that SILENT and LISTEN have the exact same letters?
Another helpful listening response is imagining what our kids would prefer. For Ellie we might say, “You wish we could visit grandma another day.” When we respond first with listening, we acknowledge and accept our children’s experience. We can listen to and acknowledge feelings without agreeing, arguing, punishing or problem solving. And we can accept feelings without changing our expectation. When kids feel heard and understood, they are typically more willing to hear and accept our reassurances or redirection.
When we start with listening we honor our child’s right to have feelings. We may not always understand or appreciate those feelings, yet when we respectfully accept them, we validate our children’s feelings and experience. We provide some space for our children to process them. This helps build our children’s capacity to manage their feelings. It also strengthens our connection and improves our relationships.
I encourage you to look for opportunities to listen, really listen, to your children. This takes practice and entails awareness and intention. Yet it allows you to model a compelling way to interact with others. And you may find that your kids start listening to you.